Filed under: Thoughts

A New, Barbeque-flavored Sense of Inspiration

Having no real job is sometimes great. I have been thinking a lot lately about so many things that should lead to radical changes in my life. At some point, I labeled by mood as a ‘strangely excited state of mind with a hint of optimism.’ And I have been planning to write about many of the thoughts and realizations that I have recently come across. Today I do feel, however, that I should digress a little in order to let some poison out of my system before it eats me alive.

You see, as old and abused as this subject has come to be, I feel like I should once again contemplate my relationship with the people around me. Just like with their needs and plans, people classify other people and give them different priorities according to what they feel is right. I suppose my mistake has been my belief that having a close circle of friends makes one invincible in a sense, even though I never really was a ‘people person’ nor felt that anyone would ever truly understand me. But living the way I have has always led to internal conflicts and disappointments; hence the need to keep bringing up the topic. I suppose, however, there is no harm in taking another look at a lesson that goes back to as far as I can remember with the hope that the next 25 years of my life would be lived differently and, of course, better.

I have given a lot of thought to the words and to the tone that I should use to voice my thoughts. But I still think that I will never be satisfied with what comes out, as this is not something I am used to doing naturally or which I enjoy terribly. And I do want to emphasize that this is not solely based on any single event, but is rather the culmination of a few years of similar disappointments and conflicts that are begging for some form of action.

Well I guess the bottom line is that those you consider as ‘priority 1’ people never cease to surprise you by treating you as a ‘priority 2’ person. There! That’s the best and most simplistic way of putting it! Now I don’t claim to have ever earned or deserved a particular ‘rank’ amongst people, but some things seemed natural to assume on some level after having spent years and lived through a lot together. And I, as sure as hell (yes, it’s just an expression; I don’t believe in hell), have always been a great friend. Well, most of the time at least. But the closest of you to my heart often disturb me with hypocrisy, indifference, and false smiles, and maybe the fact that I always think of you first when it comes to almost anything is what disturbs me most and disgusts me even. And you’ve all proven on more than one occasion who the people you always consider first are, among which I too often was not. I don’t mean that in the fifth grade kind of sense; I am not referring to party invitations or gatherings, although they do serve as a prime example. No, I refer to what is even more evident yet harder to express: your intentions and what I see in your eyes, not to mention the more obvious signs delivered over the years like “It’s just the way it is,” or “Don’t expect,” or sitting alone on bus rides.

And you see, it all makes sense. People often can’t explain the choices they’ve made, and they really, really shouldn’t have to. When I think of the circles of people I chose to introduce into my life, I follow a similar labeling system and instinctively place you first. It always gives me endless pleasure to imagine telling you something or sharing a piece of work with you or even providing you with something I’ve spent quite some time preparing. And I never ever do the same when it comes to some other people, who I also consider as good friends. And I see the same in your eyes when you act similarly towards each other. It’s beautiful actually, and its beauty stems from the fact that it is a choice one makes without having to justify or explain. How on earth can I blame you for not thinking of someone as an important part of your day and a necessity for you to be able to enjoy your time? Who am I to question your needs or what your heart desires? Your choices seem hypocritical and disgusting to me only because it is I who have set those standards and therefore often find myself disturbed and disgusted. So it is my fault, you see.

And this brings me to the core of my point: it is me who I’m mad at now, not you. And it is very important for you to understand that I am trying to zoom out and draw a bigger picture of the whole situation. I know you think I am exaggerating or being too dramatic, but for me it’s really liberating to understand the way things work and to build a stronger me out of our interactions together. And the way I see it, giving close friendship a try has finally paid off precisely because it seems to have failed. I now am convinced of that and am happy to start rectifying my behavior and perspective. I have already wasted too much energy thinking highly of many of you and hoping that with time, things will resolve themselves. But things are only resolved when you choose to resolve them. And by that, I mean that I will no longer depend on your happiness as an ingredient of mine, and I will no longer expect or wait.

Almost every behavior can be changed and schemes of thinking (quite literally) rewired, and this gives me hope. I just have one thing to say to you, my dear, out of all the others, and I’m quite sure you know who you are. You once told me that if I choose to, and really put my all into it, I can be the best out of you all. At the time it really meant nothing to me because you said it and left as usual without paying attention to what I really wanted from you, driving me more into rage. Now I want you to know that, although I spoke of hypocrisy, I never meant you. Others who mean a lot to me really disgust me by indulging everyone and giving away fake smiles and claiming to be strong and independent when all they do is revolve their lives around you and others. But not you. You too hurt me quite a lot and often placed me second and took me for granted with indifference, but there has always been something very genuine and true about you. You are just being yourself, and it is something I can never be mad at for any long period of time. The difference between you and me is (was) that I would never be able to enjoy my time or feel right if you were not there or were being shunned. But that doesn’t matter now. Indeed, the hardest thing I can ever do is to be angry at you. You are the most amazing person I know and you mean a lot to me; I don’t suppose that can ever change. And for the rest of you, I also don’t think that I will ever stop respecting or thinking highly of you. I do not intend to isolate myself or stop considering you as good friends. The only thing I hope will change soon is me, and how much I value what I value.

There is much to be done, and I am looking forward to a lot of work and learning. Almost two years ago, I wrote about inspiration and how much the people around me affected and helped me. Ironically enough, someone I don’t know has recently found that post and quoted it online as a source of inspiration. In it I mentioned that I am very grateful to you and considered some of you even better than I am. Today, I ask: Am I still grateful to you? Yes of course. Are you better than I am? No sir!

I would like to end by mentioning some lines I came across while reading in a magazine dedicated to Albert Einstein and to his work and life. Now I do not claim to be as intelligent or wise as he was (not yet at least), but the following paragraph from his essay “The World As I See It” really made me stop and draw a small smile on my face.

“My passionate sense of social justice and social responsibility has always contrasted oddly with my pronounced lack of need for direct contact with other human beings and human communities. I am truly a “lone traveler” and have never belonged to my country, my home, my friends, or even my immediate family with my whole heart; in the face of all these ties, I have never lost a sense of distance and a need for solitude – feelings which increase with the years. One becomes sharply aware, but without regret, of the limits of mutual understanding and consonance with other people. No doubt such a person loses some of his innocence and unconcern; on the other hand, he is largely independent of the opinions, habits, and judgments of his fellows and avoids the temptation to build his inner equilibrium upon such insecure foundations.”

Now, where was I? Ah yes…

Filed under: Life, Personal Experiences, Thoughts